An Open Letter to Newly Elected Democrats

8 11 2006

Dear Deomcrats:

First of all congratulations on your big win! Secondly, DON’T BLOW THIS!! I know that with the euphoria you are experiencing right now it would be easy to slip up and make some silly mistakes and then blame it on “we’re rusty, it’s been a while” kind of reasoning. Don’t do it. Just because you are really happy (and understandably a little drunk), from celebrating your victory, you have no cause to go make a pass at the coat check girl because she “seemed cute and old enough at the time”. You will have to wake up and deal with that consequence in the morning. It would better for you to graciously accept your victory and call it a night because work is going to start early (in January), better yet you could volunteer to be the designated driver for all of your drunken Republican friends (who are clearly drowning their sorrows of having to leave ‘grandpa’s’ house early in order to go home and do their chores). That would be nice and responsible of you (even partisan I would think).

Now as the ecstasy (ONLY FIGURATIVE) of your win wears off you might find it easy in the hallowed halls of government to do what “the other guys” did. Please resist that temptation. In order to help, I have compiled a list of “Helpful Hints” for you to use as a primer until you get reacquainted with life at the top.

1) Do Not Mess with the pages, interns, wives of co-workers, children of co-workers, or really anyone who looks to be under 35 years old. We’ll call this “Foleyosis”, it’s bad you don’t want it.

2) Try to remember that education shapes this country’s future, yes “No Child Left Behind” sounded great at the beginning, but “No Initiative Properly Funded” is the shape we are in.

3) Yes it is okay to talk about health insurance. There are PLENTY of people in this country that need it, and sadly the only people that are given a constitutional guarantee of getting it are federal inmates. Don’t make the little children commit crimes just to get a flu shot.

4) When it comes time for the State of the Union please remember to stand up and clap at the appropriate times when the President is speaking. It will make him feel good, is basically good manners, and heck he might even give you a nickname (how does “Demmy” sound, or maybe “MoCrat”…I hear the President loves the song “MoCrat Love”).

5) Guys who wear dark trench coats and big hats that try to offer you money DO NOT have your best interest in mind. Sure it seems great at the time, but when the FBI pulls 90 large out of your freezer in the garage you’re gonna have some ‘splainin’ to do.

6) Try to play the game “Let’s Not Make the Daily Show Today” as often as you can (this is kind of like the ‘quiet game’). Jon Stewart himself said he would be pleased if the government would perform in a manner that would leave him without a job. So far he hasn’t been so lucky.

and finally

7) Remember if you are really good, and you eat all your vegetables (leave the pork on the table for something important), and you go to bed on time (by yourself or with your spouse…not someone elses) you just might get to sit in the big boy chair in two years.

Best of luck to you (new Democrats), make us proud!

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5 responses

8 11 2006
Jason

Good Post …

8 11 2006
Heather

ROFL!

9 11 2006
Mary

Fantastic post. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for Virgina. This reminds me of what Oprah said about Barak Obama. She said she’d campaign for him if he runs but her advice is “Between now and 2008, Don’t Do Nothing!”

As for MA, we elected our first black governor and I was really excited to be a part of that.

It was surreal to be in an environment of people who care so much this week. My civ pro class practically broke out into a frenzy when the Rumsfeld thing broke this afternoon. It makes me feel like less of a freak. We could barely focus on Interrogatories and Document requests. I feel so unworthy to be there most of time; but this week I felt like I’m definitely in the right place.

12 11 2006
Valerie

Isn’t number 5 actually an excerpt from “Advice to Newly Chosen Willy Wonka Factory Tour Children” ?

Also, you need to get to drafting for Fantasy Congress, sir. I’ve got all the good peeps already…

13 11 2006
John M.

Great letter. We need to get John Stewart on this blog, I think he would like this Liberal propaganda 🙂 I bet you even liked the beginning of that Al Gore movie.

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